I met a friend after a long time. 1 year 3 months. Not so long actually. But when i look back, I have lived my life twice as much as i have ever lived for the 21 years of my life. This 1 year has changed me. I’ve become stronger and weaker, humble and arrogant, confident but still lacking trust in myself, literally no self-esteem. I found love and lost it again,… maybe not love but definitely something beautiful, something i crave a lot. I need closure but i am more satisfied with life than what i ever was. But I feel complete. It’ll all be all right. As always.
But i’m glad i’m happy.
But a part of me remains. The shy meek girl. I over compensate that by talking. But the utter low self esteem scares me. I look around i see people prettier than me. I see people smarter than me. But then that’s Georgia Tech i guess. I see people more hardworking, more focussed, and they have everything they ever wanted. I want that too. I want the job. The dream job. I want to love the work. I want to be good at it. I want to be in love. I want to give all the money i can to my parents. More than what they can ever imagine. I want them to be happy always. I wish i would stop cribbing always in my head. I wish i’d stop degrading myself because maybe i am not that bad/stupid/ an idiot. Maybe i’m just the same as any other person.
But i’m glad i’m happy. For now.
But something bugs me. How can someone you once knew, someone you could relate to and love and mean the world to you, seem like a complete…alien. I don’t know what changed you. I don’t know what changed me. Maybe you are the same..but i am not. I don’t feel anything at all anymore. It was everything to me, now its nothing. I thought i wasn’t good enough, now i feel i don’t need to be good enough, because i’m better than this. Maybe a little arrogance, but thats because i felt like i was nothing once upon a time. I am glad i don’t anymore.
But i’m glad i’m happy. Finally.